This week has been hard. It has been the hardest of my mothering experience so far. It was emotionally and physically draining. It started with a cold that Preston and I shared.

Then Brandon started in on it. Then Grant started coughing and sniffling. It was all down hill. It is hard to believe that it has only been 7 days since Grant started. Preston has has lots of colds/ respiratory issues, so he was an old pro, and hardly batted an eye. This was Grant's first illness ever. So he ended up with RSV.

Long story short, it is a respiratory virus that causes mucus to settle in the lungs, and lands some kids in the hospital. There is no worse feeling as a mother, than not having the ability to help your child. Wednesday night this happened to me. Grant's fever was spiking to 102 and nothing was helping him. He was one sick puppy. So I packed him up, and we spent the night in the ER. He slept two hours.

The steroids that he was given helped him, his oxygen levels rose, he calmed down, and was just back to a little miserable.

It has been trying though. He doesn't want anyone other than his mommy. He is hungry, but his tummy is so full from drainage, that he doesn't want to eat. He cries/screams 90% of the day. I have been with him non-stop.

He is so demanding and his older brother has been seriously neglected. It rips my heart out that I don't have the time or energy to be there for him more. I skipped my morning shower one day and played Candy Land for an hour straight so that he got my attention for that hour.

Grant has been so consuming that it has drained me. There is little that makes him happy, even when being held and snuggled, he is sure the grass is greener elsewhere. I hit a breaking point today, and out the door I went.

There is nothing more satisfying to me than be able to wander through stores, and not feel on borrowed time. It was wonderful to feel like I had an identity. I hate to admit it, but I was dreading coming home. I knew what I was coming back to, and that this illness wouldn't have magically disappeared.

There are moments though that cause my breath to catch in my throat and my heart to litterally hurt by the love for these kids, but I need to find better ways to fill my cup back up because I am no good to these boys on empty.